BURBANK, CA—Telling the movie-going public that it had "better start
falling in line," executives at Touchstone Pictures announced Monday
that if they do not immediately see a significant increase in
box-office receipts they will not hesitate to produce a sequel to the
2000 film Coyote Ugly.
The original movie—which follows a small-town girl who supports her
songwriting dreams by taking a job as one of many scantily clad
barmaids at a New York City hot spot—was widely considered by critics
to be a vapid cultural travesty. According to Touchstone Pictures
president Peter Zaiff, however, if the nation doesn't continue to
blindly accept all products distributed by the entertainment industry,
he'll produce a sequel to the film that "makes the first Coyote Ugly look like On The fucking Waterfront."
"We are dead serious, you assholes," Zaiff said. "You're going to
like what we tell you to like, end-of-fucking-story. Now fill up those
seats, or so help me God, it's Coyote Ugly II: Get Uglier."
"I'll get Rachel Bilson to star in this piece of shit right now,"
added Zaiff, sneering and brandishing a BlackBerry. "She's the worst."
Zaiff said that not only would Touchstone do everything in its power
to make the sequel the most repellant, soulless, pandering film ever
released, but that all of the resources of the studio, as well as those
of its parent company Walt Disney, would be dedicated to promoting the
"For six months you won't be able to do so much as buy a cup of coffee
without having to stare at ads for this pile of puke," Zaiff said.
"We'll inundate you with so many promotions and cross-promotions,
you'll see the logo in your nightmares."
From The Onion, of course…scary thing is, this lousy movie did actually launch something of a phenomenon in bars…